Mister Potato Rice Crisps Blogging Contest, by Nuffnang

This is a last-minute entry for the Mister Potato Rice Crisps blogging contest, organised by Nuffnang. I didn't mean to take part in the contest, because according to the rules, it is required that you submit a photo of yourself at the end of the entry, and I'm not one comfortable with things like that.

But... the reward money is to die for, so here I am trying my luck... I know, I'm such a sell-out LOL.

It is a well-known fact that hunger is one of our greatest biological instincts, next to, you know, flight or fight, mating, farting and taking a dump... the latter two of which few people will ever admit to doing, but the truth is, EVERYONE does.

YOU: *farts*

SOMEONE WHO QUESTIONS YOUR DIGNITY: Hey man, did you just fart?

YOU: YOU KNOW WHAT, NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO FART WHY DON'T YOU PUT A PILLOW TO YOUR ASS AND TRY HOLDING IT IN. WE'LL SEE IF YOU CAN FIGHT THAT BASIC SURVIVAL INSTINCT. Idiot.

Has anyone died of not-farting? This is surely one of the greatest mysteries of life. Though you'll know what to say next time you fart and someone questions your dignity.

(I know writing this at the beginning of the entry will totally, like, diminish my chances of winning by 70.5% because one should never write about taking dumps and farting in a... food entry LOL, but, I can't help it.

Isn't it strange that many actions borne of our survival instincts are labelled taboo by society, indicative of a lack of manners, when, in reality, they are necessary for survival? It is almost has if humans have evolved into a civil society of individuals who have risen above the primal means of nature.)



Who can help what we do when we're hungry? Who, even, in periods of intense hunger can claim full credit for their behaviours?

In times of famine it is said that hunger drove people to gnaw at the barks of tree trunks. Stories have been told of groups of people stranded on a deserted island (ala Robinson Crusoe) who ate parts of their bodies to keep alive.


Chances of cannibalism happening in a cosmopolitan city-state like Singapore is nil, unless, you know, you have a fetish. To this I say go ahead, but maybe you should keep it under wraps, don't want to gnaw your toes behind bars, try going for a plate of chicken rice instead, etcetc.

Digressing soo much.

One word to describe a person in a state of hunger is helplessness. Others would be paralysis, hysterical and savage. I know I am savage when I'm hungry. Like I'll open the fridge 30 times only to come upon the same view every single time: nothing.

Then I'll scream and fall to the ground in a moaning heap, clawing at the wooden panels and wondering if this is life for the rest of my existence, and if so, how will I ever cope.

Hysterical, savage and melodramatic.

Speaking of which, you know what is the worst thing your fridge can say to you? Hey man, you know what, today's my off-day. See you on Monday.

YOU, on a warm, humid day when you're so hungry you could die and all you want is a hot bowl of instant noodles, or a nice plate of scrambled egg, or hey, what about a warm glass of milk: *opens the fridge*

FRIDGE: Hey man, you know what, today's my off-day. See you on Monday.



That aside, what are some things I do when I'm hungry? To be honest, to list them down to the very last lurid details is near impossible. Most of these cases involve me doing something quite embarrassing, after which, when I'm confronted about it an hour later (i.e. when I've filled my stomach) would have little to no memory of what has taken place in the past hour.

However, there ARE things that I remember. For the 2000 bucks top prize I'm going to be generous and lay it down for you.


OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Illustrations have been used in lieu of photos because all actions stated here can only be managed under extreme states of starvation, e.g. going without food for three days, an act I refuse to partake, not even for two thousand dollars.

Readers are advised to read entry with discretion, as some scenes might cause viewer discomfort... like that one scene when I was so hungry I leaped onto the window sill and started gnawing at the metal bars. Children under 5 not allowed. You know what I mean. Feed your kids, people.

1. SCREAM INTO A PILLOW



I know the contest totally suggests screaming into a pillow as one of the options. I can imagine that happens to the best of men, for it surely happens to me. What, then, you may ask, is the difference between you and the rest of the human population?

When united by hunger, I say, we are all the same.

Whoever invented the pillow probably never considered the fringe benefits that came with it. Not only does it muffle your screams (because, seriously, no one cares enough for that ruckus) it also releases all that pent-up energy. Better yet, it gives you a reason to be an ass, because if your Mum refuses to cook lunch you can always bring the pillow up next to her, and scream into it.

If she starts yelling at you, tell her you're screaming into a pillow. Nothing personal.

Look, look -- there's even a Facebook entry dedicated to screaming into a pillow. You know you've got it made when you've got Facebook accounts dedicated to you.

2. HIBERNATE

What do animals do when they prepare for long winters? They grow a thick coat of fur, and they hibernate.

Some days of starvation when I feel like I just can't cope with the hunger anymore, I take the lift. I go downstairs. I find a nice grassy patch free of mud and dog poop, and I dig a hole. I make sure that the hole is big and comfortable enough for several years of hiding, and then I climb in and curl into a ball.






... This is not a foetus ...
... This is me curling into a ball ...

On these days I get strange looks from people who don't comprehend the immensity of my task, like that middle-aged auntie who comes up to my hiding place and nudges the edge of it with her flip flops.

OY, she asks. You very bo liao izzit?

AUNTIE, I like to tell her. IF YOU DON'T GET LOST IN FIVE SECONDS I WILL SCREAM INTO MY PILLOW.



Works every time.

What's great about living in a hole is that for the first few days you're more preoccupied with fighting off earthworms and ants than that gnawing in your stomach. Also you can roleplay, and pretend that you're a squirrel, or a bear, or that earthworms are your favourite dish, or that you feed on grass for a living.

If these things don't work, I will sink into a deep sleep.

Am very serious about hibernating, ok.

As to the question of when I'm getting out, you can count on it when lunch is prepared, or the next time they mow the grass.

3. BRUSH MY TEETH

It's my belief that brushing your teeth is the number one method to stave off that hunger. At least for a blissful 30 seconds, the world seems to be at peace. Honestly, can you think about food when you're brushing your teeth? Can you?!

It's like thinking about dinner when you're taking a dump, or thinking about ice kachang when you're having diarrhoea.



What's good about brushing your teeth is that EVERYONE has a toothbrush.

Statistics are, of course, questionable, based on the fact that I haven't exactly done my research, BUT. I'm going to judge you if you don't have a toothbrush. I'm going to judge you badly.

That aside, sometimes brushing my teeth yields the effect of fooling my stomach into thinking that mealtimes are over, and maybe I should go to sleep now. So I will switch off the lights, put on my PJs, and curl into bed.

An hour later... I will wake up with the knowledge that I still have not eaten anything.

Oh well, that's an hour later right?

***

OK so. Just a note. If, up to this point, anyone's read this entry and is thinking of trying the methods for himself/herself: what if brushing your teeth doesn't work? What then?

To this I can only say:

POP OPEN THAT TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE AND DIG IN!!




4. SIT OPPOSITE GUY EATING AT HAWKER CENTRE, AND LOOK AT HIM THROUGH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS

Self-explanatory title. Word of caution though: Before you make your move ensure that guy is not murderous type first. Newspapers have reported numerous cases in which a person was stabbed by cutting knife, or had his fingers chopped off in angry bawl.

Besides that, there is little to no danger of watching someone eat through a pair of binoculars. Except for the fact that you may be considered a public hazard (which is just a relative term).

When the guy throws down his half-eaten dinner plate of chicken rice and leaps for the other direction, it will be entirely worth your wait.

(But but but... you may ask, it's half-eaten food! Can you imagine the germs! What if you contact a disease!

Hello, if I throw you into a forest and starve you for a week... hypothetically, along comes a hippo lookin' good enough to feed a family of ten but looking also like he hasn't bathed for five days, would you curl your little pinky and run in the opposite direction? Hypothetically, you also have a battle axe in your right hand and the strength of a Chinese army... OBVIOUSLY YOU WILL KILL HIM, RIGHT?

I'm sure if then, hypothetically, I had thrown a half-eaten plate of chicken rice under your nose half-devoured by an uncle with questionable hygiene, and given you a choice between eating that or killing the 6000-pound hippo with a battle axe, 99% of the people reading this would choose the former. The other 1% are liars.

Think about it. Perhaps this sounds like it doesn't make any sense, but if you think about it carefully, it actually does.)





Mind Games: Work every time.

5. BLOCK CHICKEN RICE STALL UNCLE BY BUSKING AS LIVING STATUE



What is a "Living Statue"?

It is this:






Marilyn Monroe Living Statue: Permanently Upskirt Since 1955.

What is "Block Chicken Rice Stall Uncle by Busking as Living Statue"?



Yup.

Worst thing to happen is that he will throw knives.

Best thing is that he will throw his entire stall of chicken rice. Hopefully for breakfast, lunch and dinner. :D

***

Now, I've come to the last part of this entry. If I'm going to approach this subject seriously, I have to say that being hungry is one of the worst feelings in the world. I think, perhaps, it is due to this very reason why quick snacks exist, why vending machines are invented, why fast food has become so popular, especially in this grab-and-go era, where almost everything you do is only as good as your last.

And I think too, that having something you can eat while you wait for your noodles to boil or your rice to cook... that's actually a decent proposal. :)

So here Imma pimp Mister Potato Rice Crisps, NOT because I'm blogging for its contest... k fine, that's part of the reason.

THOUGH NOT WHOLLY.

Lord knows that I'm a fan of potato chips. If you looked through my blog entries dated back to 2008 you'll see that roots grow deep, and that I've loved them since I was a little girl. *coughsometimesdramahelpstellyourstory*

Out of all the potato chips eaten so far, what differentiates Mister Potato Rice Crisps is that they taste like both rice and potato, and do not carry the strong flavour of your regular potato chips.

However, this entry is totally not about me being a chips connoisseur, so I'll save this snippet for the next time.

My point is:

YOUR FATE IS NOT DECIDED BY YOUR FRIDGE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DIE OF HUNGER.

THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM.



And if I could tell all the past me what I know now

-- the me that screamed into a pillow, the me that hibernated underneath my HDB flat, the me that brushed my teeth and then went to sleep, the me that sat opposite the guy eating at the hawker centre and looked at him through a pair of binoculars, the me that blocked the chicken rice uncle stall by busking as a living statue,

-- I would say this:

There's no need to act like a madman because there is Mister Potato Rice Crisps for you to munch on, anytime, anywhere.



OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All illustrations and images posted here are either drawn or photoshopped by me. Unless they look like they, you know, aren't.